I find myself completely overcome
By this need to struggle against the odds,
The ones that tell me
There’s no way I could ever win this fight.
Quitting is not an option for me, though,
So I keep on wrestling the angel
Though I feel so exhausted.
The worst part of it all
Is that I am simultaneously fighting myself.
The voice inside says
I am a complete failure.
I’ve fallen so many times in the filth,
I often think there is no point in getting up,
But another voice inside tells me,
Don’t give up;
Keep trying;
Eventually I will succeed!!
Somewhere inside I recognize
I am not a quitter–
Not when I fight myself,
Not when I cling to the One who gives blessing.
I want to change.
I don’t want to be the old me,
Stuck in the lifetime habits and patterns
Of giving in to desires simply because…
Well…
That’s what I’ve always done.
The more I tell myself, “No!”
The easier it gets.
But it’s hard to say, “No.”
I want to be a new person
With a new name even,
If that’s what it takes;
But to get there I have to go through God.
He makes me fight to strengthen me,
While showing me the only real avenue is
Surrender.
It is such an oxymoron!
I must fight to surrender???
Dear God, let this long night come to a close
Sometime soon.

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