When heaviness of heart weighs me down and I wonder
If I will ever come close enough to You, Lord,
To find the satisfaction that can only be found in You…
I go to the secret place in my heart and wait again,
Searching my soul for the weaknesses that let all the peace leak out,
Praying with all the passion I possess for change,
For transformation, for Your presence.
The moments pass, the interminable moments pass
In my heart’s chamber…
So, I get up out of my bed and go around the city
Seeking my beloved again, asking the watchmen,
Till I find the One I love again and cling to You.
There is no peace without You, God,
But in Your presence peace permeates everything.
Please, Lord, let me never lose this sense
Letting me know I have distanced myself,
Because I don’t believe You ever leave me.
(You said You wouldn’t!)
Never let me lose sensitivity to Your moving,
Your working, Your stillness in my soul, Holy God.
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When heaviness of heart weighs me down and I wonder
Words churn inside me like a stormy sea
This word, that word, other words
Float to the top of my consciousness
Slipping away before I can grasp how to express
The turmoil in my thoughts and heart.
This wearing down weighs my mind
Like a heavy backpack as I struggle to climb
Higher up, further out, deeper into
Connection with Father, with Jesus, with Holy Spirit.
The glaring inconsistencies of my shortcomings
Battle the grace I keep finding in Yeshua’s blood,
Till I hardly know whether I can move at all.
Still God beckons me to the new horizon waiting
At the top of the mountain.
The depths have tried to overwhelm me, but
Freedom stands ready to give me wings.
Somehow, some way, I am determined in this!
Moving against the flood of negativity,
The eyes of my heart opened wide as I can get them,
My choice is to step up to the next level of revelation,
To take action and practice all I have learned.
My deepest longing is to bring as many with me
As I possibly can, if only they are willing to see with me
All the possibilities that await them, too.
Regardless, though, I choose to go,
Even if I must go alone…
Even if others believe I am wrong or have lost my mind,
I know in the core of who I am that there is more—
More than the same-old, same-old religious practices,
More than the same-new, same-new religious practices,
Because God is such a vastly, unimaginably infinite God.
He cannot be confined to any world system.
From the foundation of the world,
He began to create, and He is still creating.
He began to reveal, and He is still revealing
More and more and more of who He is and
More and more of who He created us to be.
I am still in the process of discovery!!!
Most High God,
I choose again…
To acknowledge I have sin in my heart,
To agree with my accuser and trust You for mercy.
I choose once more…
To trust that You are right,
You are good, and You are holy in all Your ways.
I still need saving…
From myself, my self-will,
My foolish pursuit of empty things.
I still need cleansing…
From all the filth that piles in
When I am not vigilant to remain pure in heart.
I still need… You…
Your cleansing blood to wash through me
When it feels sometimes like I will never be clean again.
I still need Truth…
To help me crucify my flesh again.
Holy Spirit, help me be more like Jesus.
Holy One of Israel,
I still want transformation…
New life, new mindsets,
New ways to hear and see and do Your will.
I still desire…
To know the ways of God like Moses
More than just the works of God like Israel.
Lord Jesus, be…
Be my center, my refuge, my eternal Focus.
O Lord, You are my Shepherd;
Because of You, I lack nothing.
You make me rest in the green center of Your will;
You lead me to still, life-giving water.
You restore my emotional equilibrium;
You show me the way of right living
For Your name’s sake.
Yes, Jesus, even when I am walking through corridors where death looms over me,
I do not fear any evil;
Because You walk beside me;
Your rod of protection and Your staff of correction give me comfort.
You provide for me when my enemies are all around me;
You anoint my head with the fragrant oil of Your Spirit;
My cup is overflowing, overflowing, overflowing.
There is no doubt that goodness and mercy pursue me
Every single day of my life;
And I dwell in Your house, in Your presence, Lord God,
For all eternity.
Sometimes You sleep when the wind and waves crash over me.
I wonder in my unbelief if I will be overwhelmed,
Because I am staring at the fury instead of at Your face.
Yet, I know in my heart of hearts that I can trust You.
It is only when I forget that I falter…
But I no longer know You according to the flesh,
Or the ways the world thinks,
Now, I know You in the Spirit—
The God who commanded light to shine in darkness,
Shines in my heart till my inner night is conquered.
…If only I could remember to gaze at You, and
Find rest in my own little boat beside You.
It is Your posture, Lord, that governs the outcome,
Not the circumstances in which I find myself.
Sweet sleep come greet me soon
Before my mind wanders overmuch.
Let the still night hours wrap my thoughts
Till peace and quiet reign again, and
My body finds comfort in my familiar bed.
Let the angels fill my dreams with more…
More You, Lord… more grace, Father…
More rest, Holy Spirit, in Your habitations with me.
I often wonder, Lord, what you are doing
When I feel far away and out of touch,
But in my core, I trust You’re still renewing
This soul of mine that still needs way too much.
I find my rest somehow despite the questions.
I choose to trust regardless how I feel.
I’m grateful You forgive all my transgressions,
But praying for more transformation still.
In the morning hours I seek You,
While I know You may be found.
In my sleepless hours I push through
All the noises that surround.
I cannot find any solace
Till I rise once more to meet.
When You call me to the still place,
There is no one else so sweet.
In the secret place I find you.
Let Your shadow fall on me.
Hide me in Your place of refuge,
When I come again to Thee.
Break forth, O God, among us!
Let exuberance win the day!
Let joy-filled expectation be made complete.
Holy Spirit, flood us with your love—
Eternal, living water that wakes up dead cells,
Reviving every dry heart so it spews new life
To the surrounding lives and hearts.
Burst our tiny boxes of preconceived notions.
Show us your power, God of Hosts!
Let your angels dance among us
Till we can see Your heaven
Displayed on this earth, in this place.
Hey all, I am happy to report that I have finally finished republishing my first book as an updated 2nd edition with additional content—introduction, acknowledgements, preface, and table of contents. Please check it out at Amazon: click here or on the front cover image below. Thanks bunches for your support!