You keep telling me to wait and so I wait,
But I don’t know these days just what I’m waiting for.
Seems like every time I think
Mercy and justice will meet me where I hurt the most,
Another blow falls on my aching heart.
I have wept until my soul has
No more strength to weep…
Then I groan wordlessly, struck to my core with
Grief beyond thought, beyond explanation,
Beyond caring whether the pain ever goes away–
So long as I can lose consciousness, because my mind
Cannot bear the sights and sounds and wounds of another day…
Yet time keeps ticking and there is no escape.
You keep telling me to wait and so I wait,
But I have no idea exactly what I’m waiting for.
I just sit here suspended and pray desperately that
This interminable process will end soon.
Category: Writings
John and I were discussing the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego. I love it when someone not as familiar with a story gives me a new perspective!!!
I read the part where Nebuchadnezzar ordered them thrown in to a furnace heated seven times hotter than normal. The guys who threw them in died from the heat, but there go our three guys into the flames and then they started walking around with the fourth man who just suddenly showed up. Nebuchadnezzar is so astonished at seeing a fourth person (who, by the way, looks like the Son of God)Â that he double-checks what he’s seeing with the other spectators, THEN he walks right up to the furnace, where he should have been killed like all the other men, and hollers in at Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego to come out.
Right about this point, John stopped my reading and exclaimed, “You mean, those guys didn’t try to run OUT of the fire? They were just walking around in there until Nebuchadnezzar called them?” This gave me a whole new perspective. I responded, “Better to be IN the fire with the Lord, then out of the fire without Him,” and I had to stop and think about what I said.
So, the three men just hung out together in the flames and the fire with the Lord, then when Nebuchadnezzar calls them out (putting his own life in danger to do so), they saunter out… no sweat, no smell of fire or smoke, not one hair or item of clothing singed. No wonder the king is floored!!
So when I’m in the fire, as I truly seem to be right now, I don’t need to be in a rush to get out. As long as I’m trusting and hanging out with the Lord, as long as He wants us to be together in here, I won’t get any part of me singed or smelly from the furnace of trial. When God says it’s time to come out, then it’ll be time to come out and I don’t have to worry about the heat in the meantime.
I’ll be chewing on this one for a while, but I thought I’d toss it out there for some other people to ruminate on as well.
As sunset-lit moon rises up in the sky
While its colored dimness grows beautifully bright,
So we who belong to the King reigning high,
From glory to glory increase in Your light.
We’re reflections of You, Lord, with faces unveiled,
Beholding the glory of God in this place,
Displaying for others a glory much paled
Through troubles and trials with vision and grace.
Your Spirit brings freedom and light to our lives
As we bow our hearts and our wills to Your love.
“Light afflictions” teach faith as our outer man dies
While our inward man fixes our eyes up above.
Holy Spirit, please, help us keep turning to You,
For Your holy, eternal, glorious weight still renews.
2 Cor. 3:16-18 “Nevertheless when one turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. Now the Lord is the Spirit; and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty. But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord.”
2 Cor. 4:16-18 “Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.”
[Note: I found this a couple of days ago. I have no idea WHEN exactly I wrote it. Maybe Sept. 2005 or July 2008. I don’t even remember writing it, except I seem to have just ranted on paper, put it in a Word doc, formatted it, and then emailed it to myself so I wouldn’t lose it. It’s definitely my style, and it’s just the word I needed to hear right now. ~Cara]
Life can be really difficult sometimes… and unfair…
And just generally unbearable in moments of crisis!
It has been so for me at least,
Not only on a personal level,
But for close friends and family as well.
I rail at what most people call fate, thinking,
“What did we do to deserve this???”
The answer of course is “nothing”.
The perversities and hardships come crashing in.
Everything falls all in a heap about our ears,
Heedless of tears and prayers and pleas for mercy.
Push the right button on each of us and we blow up.
Life blows up… KABOOM!
We end up making do with what we’re handed out
Or sometimes starting from scratch all over again.
The thing is that
Everybody has issues, stresses, problems,
Crises on various levels.
If you start talking about who deserves what,
Well, then, I mean, REALLY,
Who doesn’t deserve problems?
We’ve all done things wrong.
Nobody’s perfect.
We all make mistakes and bad choices.
Sometimes those have direct consequences.
Sometimes they have indirect consequences.
And (sigh) sometimes things just happen.
You run over a nail in the road and your tire blows out.
The nail was just there.
No one put it there on purpose.
You couldn’t see it and so couldn’t avoid it.
Now, you have to stop traveling
(Towards whatever goal you can name),
Get out, and fix the problem.
That, my friends, is where we really face the fire.
Are we bitter? Do we resent having to stop and deal?
Will we just keep going and avoid the issue?
Will we lose our temper, expending needed energy?
Or can we take our lump,
Focus our intellect and strength on changing the tire
(i.e. dealing with the problem), and
Thank the Father above, for a moment,
For the mercies we have on other days.
You know-
The days when the road is clear,
Our tanks and our bellies are full, or at least, not empty,
The weather is fine, and we can continue,
Unimpeded, on our journey.
So, life is difficult and unfair and sometimes unbearable,
But we’re breathing, aren’t we?
Every moment we breathe is a reminder
That our life is sustained by mercy and grace alone.
We can accept the mercy, stand on the grace, and
Extend that same mercy and grace to others.
Or waste our lives throwing tantrums-
Instead of moving forward with each new day.
The earth spins on its axis and
Lets us see the daylight dawning
With a brand new perspective.
God didn’t promise to deliver us from fire and water,
But He did promise to walk through it with us.
It’s been awesome realizing I’m not alone… ever.
By His Word, I am sustained.
By His Spirit, I am comforted.
By His Blood, I am forgiven and able to start afresh.
I dare you to try trusting Him if you haven’t.
You’ll be surprised at how much difference it makes!
Please take a few minutes to read this page. I hope it blesses you.
It was unanimous… Site B8 with an extra tent pad,
Lots of trees, water close by and the showers not too far…
Area B was all ours for two days in a slow season!
Three excited teenage boys jumped out,
Scurrying around trying to do everything at once,
Hours later with tent set up, fire lit,
Dinner cooked, and “what now?” looks,
Lethargy attacked with unbearable humid heat.
Three X-Box addicted boys asked constantly,
“What do we do now, mom?”
I just shook my head and sent them to bed early.
At sunset it was easy to promise
Next-day swimming, canoeing, hiking….
Funny, even without an X-box,
They managed to amuse themselves with stories.
Morning brought leisurely showers…
To cool off from a hot night and hotter morning,
Then into swimming suits and down to the beach.
The shallow water was on the cool side of tepid–
Perfect for lounging and playing and splashing.
After lunch, thunder and lightning showed up,
Canoeing postponed, nature center trip instead.
Evening brought grilled burgers and s’mores…
And a movie in the air-conditioned van.
Then to the tents and a major storm,
Thunder, lightning, pouring rain…
The full experience included a small river of mud
Running down the hill ending in front of
The boys’ tent, and wet items all ’round
Where the water seeped through.
Charcoal briquets cooked pancakes
In the rain, under an umbrella…
Rain and all, though, with no more lightning,
We got in our canoes out on the lake!
Lunch, packing (all our wet stuff), and
Home to civilization.
Could have been better,
Could have been worse.
Despite the misery of heat,
Camping still rocks…
Next time will be better!
At work, we are in the middle of the fiscal year-end close which means everyone is working extra hours to make sure all the company’s books balance. Barbara Adams was talking to Debora and I about a vendor who emailed two directors with a complaint. The vendor complained that she was “lost in the world of no response from Mrs. Adamsâ€? … claiming she left two voice mails for Babs on Friday (she did not) and darn, if it hadn’t been a WHOLE business day (and a little more) without hearing back. Barbara stood there shifting her eyes back and forth and repeated the phrase a couple of times. Then she perked up and exclaimed, “I like that! I want to print that up and put it in my office. I know exactly how she feels! I haven’t been able to get in touch with Mrs. Adams in weeks!!â€?
I have posted a new article under my Prose writings titled The Message. It’s listed over in the left hand menu of pages. Please check it out!
I have a lot of anger inside me—
Anger that my bible-quoting father could parade his religion to the world,
Then abuse his family behind closed doors,
Anger that an idyllic life could be shattered by a man
Who didn’t believe in committed, unconditional love or faithfulness,
Anger that my children have been torn from me
…Not once, but three times,
Anger that my character and motherhood have been libeled and
Battered continuously for more than twelve years.
The judgement is a heavy load, whether judging or being judged.
It is an unjust world that labels the victim as the perpetrator.
We all stand guilty.
It is only mercy—God’s mercy—that sustains.
So much anger remains.
The grief of life lost (my life!)
Enrages me by the injustice of it all.
…Yet I am but clay.
The broken shards, the crushing into dust,
The mud on the spinning wheel, the darkness of the hot kiln—
All wring the sorrows of brokenness, confusion, blind unknowing.
The tears flow like many-colored glazes.
I cannot see their effect, but the Potter knows.
He knew me while I was yet unformed in my mother’s womb.
Before a word is on my tongue… He knows.
Only He can take the burden of my anger,
The rage at the injustice of my life,
The grief that twists my soul in knots…
I do not even know how to give,
To let go of this lifetime long emotion.
Anger has been my companion in many forms
From stubborn stillness to screaming rage,
But I am tired.
When I am assassinated again by another criticism, another assumption,
When someone presumes my motives without knowing my heart,
My companion shakes me from weary slumber,
Tries to stir up the embers of fires long quenched and scattered,
And I AM angry for a while…
Till I remember mercy poured out,
Grace bestowed, forgiveness undeserved…
I am the bondslave of One who bought me with Eternal Love.
My right to hold onto anger is gone now;
My right to vindication is forsworn;
Because the Potter can do as He pleases
To form the image of Himself in His vessels.
I think of you…
All day… every day…
You are such an integral part of my life.
I can’t not think about you.
I am always telling someone
How cool you are,
How beautiful you are,
How imaginative and unique you are.
I tell them stories about our time together—
Conversations we’ve had,
Things we’ve laughed about,
Frustrations we’ve dealt with,
The normal interactions of family life,
The growing pains,
The aches and sorrows of moments lost.
All of those things wear on me
And at the same time
Buoy me up through difficult days.
I know I will see you again.
I count the days, the hours, the minutes
Till you run to me and wrap your arms around me,
Telling me how much you missed me,
How much you love me,
How glad you are that we are together again.
There is nothing quite like being with you!
And I can never tell you
Often enough, loud enough, long enough that
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.