This tension between knowing that I don’t deserve ___, and knowing that I am blessed as the daughter of the king is something that I have yet to come to grips with. On the one hand, I must acknowledge that since He is the potter and I am the clay, I am supposed to not complain, not question, but to simply seek through the trials His face and how His image is being formed in me. On the other hand, I am not sure there is another hand. His love is unquestioned towards me. Still, I find myself struggling with the manifestations of that love. I have multiple scriptures that tell me: He is my provider. He is my protector. He is my strength. He is the source of all that I need. When the things that I feel I need are withheld from me, I find it difficult to not condemn myself for a failure to meet some standard of behavior. How else can I justify to myself the fact that a need of some sort is not being met? I cannot blame God—the all-knowing, all-good, wholly loving, holy, infinite creator of the universe—for such a lack… can I? It is these moments when I wish I could come to an acceptance that since He knows what I need, then obviously what I feel I need cannot be a real need… can it? Either that, or I simply need growth in that particular area and therefore, I am being tested. To find my satisfaction in Him… to find contentment in Him… to find… I don’t know… in Him. To “let go and let God� is a thing that I hate to hear because it sounds so accusing to my ears. It places the blame for my malcontent, for my shortage, for my lack of blessing, for my failure to take the negative and make something positive… squarely back on my own shoulders. This is where the condemnation and guilt become unbearable. I rage against my own humanity in moments like this. I grasp at grace and scurry for mercy, wondering if I will be stuck in my misery or delivered against the odds from something I deserve anyway.

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