poised on the edge, a precipice of poignancy,
i ponder, pointlessly, sightlessly,
empty of real thought.
vague impressions wander across my mind
like vagabonds trampling a garden.
i stand staring, unmoving,
frozen, almost, into a single moment
while the silent emptiness beckons me
with the familiarity of an old friend.
this deep canyon of irrationality
yawns with a cool warmth,
“remember when…”
only the memories spin themselves together
into a single dark corner
like the one inside where i used to hide
…and i cannot bear to express anything.
most of me longs for that still small place again
where nothing hurt because
it was “out there” while i was “in here”.
yet some small part of me knows
i can never go back.
i wish to lean forward, fall off the edge,
let go of reality,
but a tiny, stubborn core fights for sanity
as if my life depended on it.
i thought i had won this one before.
facing it again is more than i can bear.
somehow, some way, some time,
i must quit pondering, turn round and
step away from the dangerous past “comforts”.
it is only a quagmire of
death drawing me towards death.
numb withdrawal from life
can only hurt me more and
frightens those who love me.
Holy God, draw me back to life again.
only You can.

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