Once again I have destroyed myself,
Bowed down by the storms of life,
Bent over from the strain,
The winds of self-doubt whip through my soul.
To know truth in my intellect is not
The same as knowing truth in my heart…
So, I wind up back at the beginning—
A lump of clay malformed,
Reshaped into nothing on the potter’s wheel,
Hoping against hope that this time around
I’ll make it through the process,
Because I still don’t know
What shape I am destined to become.
Seems like every time I come close,
The darkness in my heart bleeds out
Until I am completely surrounded, and
I jump from the shelf in some vain attempt
To escape myself.
Then I lie on the floor shattered,
Sure that I will never become useful to the Master.
Yet, He picks up all my pieces,
Crushes me to powder,
Mixes in His Living Water, and
Starts over again at the wheel
With His endless patience.
It is the darkness within, not the darkness without,
That defeats me over and over again—
These lifelong patterns of self-anesthetizing
Against the pain of self-rejection.
Somehow, Lord God,
Help me to see myself through the obscurity.
Truth is, I am blind to the “me� you created.
I can only see vague outlines of possibilities.
I want to see myself the way that You see me…
Not only that, but I need Your help in
Accepting who You intended me to be.
Let this reconstruction, this time,
Come to completion.
Help me, Holy Spirit, to submit to
The whole process and not just
The parts with the familiar pains or
The recreated patterns of self-hatred.
Deliver me from me!

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