Tag: anger

Out With The Old Stuff

You confuse me.
Some days you act so belligerent and angry.
Then before I realize what’s happening,
You treat me with civility and courtesy.
It leaves my head spinning and
My insides churning because
I never know what to expect.
I don’t understand you at all.
 
I don’t think I ever will, if the truth be told.
I can only be grateful for the peaceful moments,
Let go and forgive the angry ones, and
Be thankful I am no longer with you…
I only count the moments now
Until the kids are grown and I can
Let it all go behind me with the rest
Of the clouded confusion and anger.
 
In the meanwhile,
Today only reminds me again
How deep this old wound is
To still make me shiver with fear,
Then tense with angry, runaway thoughts
Of all the imbalances and inequalities
I still have to endure at your hand,
Whether politely or otherwise.
 
Dear Jesus, help me breathe again–
Out with the old stuff and unforgiveness,
In with all Your grace and mercy,
Remembering that what You gave to me,
I must give to others.

Within Your Love

Pressing in to You I find
A peace I can’t explain.
Although I’ll never understand,
Your rest surrounds me
With a sense of absolute trust.
The turmoil within and without
Slips away to a distant place,
And a solidness settles me down…

Words just aren’t enough to describe
You circumambient to me.
I feel secure and safe
Like a babe in the womb.
Fear, worry, anger, frustration, confusion
Cannot touch me through
The filter of Your very Present Spirit.
O Lord, what blessing compares
When You enfold me within Your love.

Giving Up The Sin Within

I’ve been a quiet angry mass
Of seething feelings, shattered glass,
And though I seemed a peaceful soul
Within me was a great big hole
Where at some point in my dismay,
I tried to hide myself away.

But it has been a brutal bout—
A battle huge within, without.
For though I tried to shield my heart,
I could not hide from every dart.
The feelings grew; the glass cut deep;
(This bleeding mess of mine can’t keep.)

I long for grace to truly heal,
Let go of bitter hurt I feel.
My Father longs to give me rest,
But I’ve held tight within my chest.
Yet come what may I trust Him still,
Despite the cold, resentful chill.

Soon, I will choose to push away,
My  “righteous? anger gone astray.
I’m tired of holding anguish in;
Careworn with what my life has been.
Somehow, Holy Spirit, take
The painful feelings and heartache.

Please fill me with forgiveness, Lord,
For self and others; speak Your Word.
Light the darkest part of me
With Your sweet love so I can see.
Give me hope and make me new.
Unite my heart to worship You.

If I Could Write

If I could write, I’d tell of all I know,
Which isn’t much, for all I have to show.
This sense of self inside of me,
This thing that drives me to be free,
Is just a formless mass of feelings, though…

I try to write the deeper things inside.
Though most of me prefers to run and hide.
My efforts bring a war within
(It seems like all my life has been),
Yet I am fixed on letting go of pride.

If I could write, the passion in my prayer
Would be to touch the world with all its care—
To show them God’s great love for all,
So they could help break down their walls
Releasing all the anger and despair.

I try to write so people know I’m real
With caution in expressing how I feel—
So they identify with me
(With common eyes we clearly see),
And we can lay things at His feet and kneel.

If I could write, I’d risk all that I am,
To share my love, and consequence be damned
But still I struggle hard and long
To speak or sing a heartfelt song.
Sometimes I’m sure I’ll never write again.

I try to write despite this wretched doubt,
For I must write. I cannot live without
A way to speak my mind and heart—
To show I’m weak and then impart
How self laid down receives God’s grace throughout.

If I could write…

Shadows On The Water

I stand, anger in hand, covered in
The tattered remains of my self-worth.
The futility of banging my fist against
The stone wall of another’s hostility and unforgiveness
Leaves me breathless and beaten and worn,
Wondering when, or if, things will change.
No matter how big the anger or
How hard the beating,
Things remain the same, or nearly so,
That they have always been.
The rebounding of my fistful of wrath
Only bruises my soul and batters my spirit.

Somewhere in the dark realms,
A part of me is screaming for release
From the bonds of my own unforgiveness.
God knows I have tried to let things go,
To feel, to work through, to release anger…
But the more I let go of, the more I find,
Until I am foundering and gasping for air.
People tell me, and I have heard it
Many times before, that I must find healing,
That I must feel, and work through, and let go of
All the anger inside of me.

I have wept repentance repeatedly.
I have cried forgiveness over and over again.
I have prayed for healing and deliverance and release.
I have given all I know how to give of myself
Toward this fantastical end-goal of wholeness.
A lifetime of habitual grieving for the loss of
More than I can bear to think of, takes its toll.
I am blind and cannot see, deaf and cannot hear,
Lame and cannot walk even one more step
Down this road of hardship and struggle,
But the frustrating part is that
I have given up before.
So, how many times must I die like this
Before some freedom comes?

I cry to You, O Lord,
Yet still the wicked triumph over me.
I fight with shadows on the water.
How long, my God, must I wait for help?
Hope escapes me, despair overwhelms me, and
I am a stupid, helpless child again,
Waiting for some sign of salvation to come.
Sometimes all I can see is futility.
I cannot even see You these days.
I affect a façade of calmness and peace
In some vain effort to make it so—
Despite my feelings of panic and fear.
Tomorrow… I wonder, will it happen?
All that I dread hangs waiting in the wings,
Weighting the balance of my emotions
Toward the expectation of loss.

What more can I say?
This, I feel. This, I despise about myself:
These feelings of anger, despair, and hopelessness
Make me feel foolish in the face of truth.
Truth is that You are…
That You are good and just and merciful.
Your patience is endless and
My impatience is fruitless.
So, while all that I feel stacks up into a mountain,
Your TRUTH is the snow that covers it,
Smoothing all the jagged edges that hurt me
Into a great, white blanket of hope.

Even though I feel so much,
I stand silenced by magnificence and
I say with Job,
“I have uttered what I did not understand,
Things too wonderful for me, which I did not know…
I have heard of You by the hearing of the ear,
But now my eye sees You.
Therefore I abhor myself,
And repent in dust and ashes.?
Healing will come and the anger will go,
Though I do not know how or when.
Still, I choose to trust You again and
Release my struggles with watery shadows
Into Your graceful hands.
Once more, O LORD, I say,
“You… are… my… God!?

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