Works Of A Wordsmith

Holy Spirit,

I feel possibilities this morning,
Like I could really let go and let You…

Somehow I feel Your presence here
In a different way than before
As if…

it feels like a pregnancy,
An expectancy, an overshadowing, new-creation presence…

I can’t figure out how to put it,
But I feel like new life is hovering
Just beyond…

Our frail container we call “church”
Is like an old wineskin and
The new wine fermenting inside us
—You!—
Is getting ready to break us all wide open!

Father…
You are in control.
I… am not..

A passion woke up inside me
That’s always been there—
Slumbering away for years.
Every now and then
It would raise its head,
Look me in the eye, and
Startle me out of my comfort zone.
Then somehow,
All that inexpressible longing
Would soothe itself back to sleep,
Knowing I could not escape
The confines of my circumstances..

This time, Lord,
It will not go back to sleep.
The circumstances still limit me,
But some part of me…
Dares to hope that You will make a way
Where I can see no way…

Father…
You are in control.
I… am not.

I only cry out for Your mercy
Praying that all this is
Not for nothing…
That what you made in me,
That who you made me to be,
Can be allowed to come
Out of the restricted spaces inside, and
This time…
I can stretch my wings and fly.

My heart is fixed on You.
Daily, hourly I must seek You out,
Tear down the idols of my heart, and
Find Truth once more.

I keep finding more meaning in Your word…
“The entrance of your word gives light.”
The first words recorded, spoken by You, were,
“Let there be light,” and light was created!
And, “Your word is a light to my path.”
And, “In the beginning was the Word,
And the Word was with God, and the Word was God,”
Who came and proclaimed,
“I am the light of the world.”

I am sure there will be more…
I desire truth in my innermost being.
O Lord, be my God!
In this I seek You more and more.
Help me, Holy Spirit, to turn,
Not only away from my sin,
But also toward Your Light, Your Truth,
As I learn again what it mean to be Yours.

Stray fragments wander through my head
Till I can’t get anything cohesive out
Longings, yearnings, regrets, sorrows—
All the passions of my heart
Wound up together in a tangled mess.
Even my joys and angers can barely
Poke themselves out of the bundle.
Lately, the whirlwind pulls in
All my hopes and dreams until
The future seems so obscure
I can hardly put one foot in front of the other.
What vague plans I had
Fade into the shadows of confusion…

My LORD,
You remain my only concrete certainty.
Beneath it all,
You remain my bedrock of strength, and
Though I weep in frustration,
Still, I choose to trust that
Your plans are sure,
Your path is light,
Your hand holds mine.
Though I feel blind,
I know You see it all—
Who I am, what has been, what’s to come!!!
…So, I can still go forward with Your confidence
Despite the mixed-up mess I see as me.

When the night comes and the light dims,
Heaven’s Bright Son sings my heart hymns.
All the stars thrum with His vibrance—
Ceaseless heartbeat, cosmic romance.

I lie wakeful,
Tossing and turning,
Wondering when or if I will sleep again,
Till finally I get up and wander out here…
I have been soaking my mind with You
All night long,
Listening to the same song,
Hoping to arm myself
Against the recesses of darkness
That lurk in my heart.
I cannot even tell if it is working—
Other than this restiveness that pulls me
Out of bed in the small hours of morning.

So I come here
Wondering when or if I will sleep again,
Thinking of You,
Hoping to find some sort of mental rest
From all the dodging about.
My brain feels like a trapped bird,
Flitting from this place to that place,
Looking for somewhere that makes sense
Where there is no sense,
Looking for respite from the turmoil.
Ah, Lord God,
Let me find my shelter in You again,
Like I used to be able to.

…And with that bit of a prayer,
I suddenly find stillness…
In You.
wow.

Once again I have destroyed myself,
Bowed down by the storms of life,
Bent over from the strain,
The winds of self-doubt whip through my soul.
To know truth in my intellect is not
The same as knowing truth in my heart…
So, I wind up back at the beginning—
A lump of clay malformed,
Reshaped into nothing on the potter’s wheel,
Hoping against hope that this time around
I’ll make it through the process,
Because I still don’t know
What shape I am destined to become.
Seems like every time I come close,
The darkness in my heart bleeds out
Until I am completely surrounded, and
I jump from the shelf in some vain attempt
To escape myself.
Then I lie on the floor shattered,
Sure that I will never become useful to the Master.
Yet, He picks up all my pieces,
Crushes me to powder,
Mixes in His Living Water, and
Starts over again at the wheel
With His endless patience.
It is the darkness within, not the darkness without,
That defeats me over and over again—
These lifelong patterns of self-anesthetizing
Against the pain of self-rejection.
Somehow, Lord God,
Help me to see myself through the obscurity.
Truth is, I am blind to the “me� you created.
I can only see vague outlines of possibilities.
I want to see myself the way that You see me…
Not only that, but I need Your help in
Accepting who You intended me to be.
Let this reconstruction, this time,
Come to completion.
Help me, Holy Spirit, to submit to
The whole process and not just
The parts with the familiar pains or
The recreated patterns of self-hatred.
Deliver me from me!

You brought me through again.
You always do, though I always doubt.
I wish I could let them all go.
Still, as many times as You prove faithful,
It seems I turn out just as often faithless…

I know that I KNOW
You will come through every single time,
As well as I’m aware
How easy it is for me to
Fall all over myself in my willfullness.

God, I wish You would… something!
I don’t know what to ask even
Other than to keep on changing me,
Keep molding me, but more–
Soften my heart and keep me
Willing to be changed and molded
Into the image of Your Son.

Help me, Holy Spirit, to withstand
The draw of my fleshly desires.
Instead, Lord, help me
Focus my vision where it should be
…Directly and only on Jesus.

Father, in my weakness I can only fall on You.
Holy God, forgive me; help me, Holy Spirit, too…
Please, I want to turn away from ugliness of sin.
I need Your light of truth, God, on the root that lies within.
This process, Lord, is painful, yet I long to just be clean.
Please, dig it out and burn it so that I can be serene.
Wash me in Your water and cleanse me in Your Word;
Cover me with Jesus’ blood and let my prayers be heard.
Thank You, God, for mercy, for kindness, and for truth,
And when I fall again I pray I’ll trust again in You.