Category: Random Thoughts


‘Neath All The Layers

Filed Under: Poetry, Random Thoughts by Cara — Comments Off on ‘Neath All The Layers
August 23, 2005
More is there, beneath the obvious,
Beneath the outside sheen of smooth sailing.
‘Neath all the layers of protection
Lies a real, yes-I-have-feelings human being.
It’s just a matter of getting past
All the bluff, all the pomp and circumstance.
Sometimes, if you’re careful and quiet,
You might actually see
The barricades come down voluntarily.
In that moment of vulnerability,
Speak softly, speak slowly, speak soothingly
To the soul exposed. It is the only way…
Otherwise the walls will slam into place
Faster than you can blink.

Everyone has armor—some more, some less.
Few walk this world without wearing some.
But be aware, be open, be sensitive
Because ‘neath all the layers of protection
Lies a real, yes-I-have-feelings human being.
Gentle communication heart to heart
Is the way friendships are founded.
Families are strengthened.
Donne said it best, “No man is an island.”
Under the appearance that all is always well,
We cannot stand alone and live with gusto.

Let down your defenses sometimes.
Maybe someone else will let down theirs and
The two of you can be real for a little while.
You may even find you like realness
Better than these perpetual, tiresome masks…

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hurtful things

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August 19, 2005

Somehow, I still haven’t learned that the people I love are simply humans. It always surprises me when they do something I don’t expect and it hurts. I guess it’s a matter of expectation. Like it or not, I have my loved ones on pedestals of various height—depending on how close I am, how long I’ve known them, my past experiences with them, etc. With some my expectations are more realistic. With others, I have them up way too high. The higher they are, the harder I get hit when they tumble off.

In theory, at least, I fully recognize their humanity and weaknesses. But somehow the heart doesn’t always listen to the brain. I WANT the fairy tale to be true. The princess is always good and kind and perfect. So is the charming prince or the knight in shining armor on the white horse. The human beings in the real world may be princesses and princes and knights in my eyes, but they aren’t ALWAYS good and kind and definitely not perfect.

They fall off my unrealistic pedestals, totally unaware of the expectations that I have. They are simply being themselves and trust that I know their imperfections. I, on the other hand, have to learn all over again that my trust in anyone I love has to be based, not on that person, but on the rulership of Christ over our relationship.

Today I have agonized over another fallen friend. Someone fell. I got hurt. But somehow I love my friend still and I definitely trust that Jesus is Lord over the both of us. I know without a shadow of doubt that forgiveness is far better than resentment and bitterness. My tendency is to extend mercy and expect that mercy will be the instrument for both our healings, through the power of the Holy Spirit.

I have wept my tears, vented my anger, dried my eyes, and reestablished those oh-so-important lines of communication. Somehow I survive. I grieve. I let go. I seek healing from the Only One who can give it… Most importantly, I face again my own human weakness and imperfection. And I remember the advice of the Master. “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”

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temptation

Filed Under: Poetry, Random Thoughts by Cara — Comments Off on temptation
July 7, 2005
poised on the edge, a precipice of poignancy,
i ponder, pointlessly, sightlessly,
empty of real thought.
vague impressions wander across my mind
like vagabonds trampling a garden.
i stand staring, unmoving,
frozen, almost, into a single moment
while the silent emptiness beckons me
with the familiarity of an old friend.
this deep canyon of irrationality
yawns with a cool warmth,
“remember when…”
only the memories spin themselves together
into a single dark corner
like the one inside where i used to hide
…and i cannot bear to express anything.
most of me longs for that still small place again
where nothing hurt because
it was “out there” while i was “in here”.
yet some small part of me knows
i can never go back.
i wish to lean forward, fall off the edge,
let go of reality,
but a tiny, stubborn core fights for sanity
as if my life depended on it.
i thought i had won this one before.
facing it again is more than i can bear.
somehow, some way, some time,
i must quit pondering, turn round and
step away from the dangerous past “comforts”.
it is only a quagmire of
death drawing me towards death.
numb withdrawal from life
can only hurt me more and
frightens those who love me.
Holy God, draw me back to life again.
only You can.
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Journaling 3/1/04

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June 21, 2005

This tension between knowing that I don’t deserve ___, and knowing that I am blessed as the daughter of the king is something that I have yet to come to grips with. On the one hand, I must acknowledge that since He is the potter and I am the clay, I am supposed to not complain, not question, but to simply seek through the trials His face and how His image is being formed in me. On the other hand, I am not sure there is another hand. His love is unquestioned towards me. Still, I find myself struggling with the manifestations of that love. I have multiple scriptures that tell me: He is my provider. He is my protector. He is my strength. He is the source of all that I need. When the things that I feel I need are withheld from me, I find it difficult to not condemn myself for a failure to meet some standard of behavior. How else can I justify to myself the fact that a need of some sort is not being met? I cannot blame God—the all-knowing, all-good, wholly loving, holy, infinite creator of the universe—for such a lack… can I? It is these moments when I wish I could come to an acceptance that since He knows what I need, then obviously what I feel I need cannot be a real need… can it? Either that, or I simply need growth in that particular area and therefore, I am being tested. To find my satisfaction in Him… to find contentment in Him… to find… I don’t know… in Him. To “let go and let God� is a thing that I hate to hear because it sounds so accusing to my ears. It places the blame for my malcontent, for my shortage, for my lack of blessing, for my failure to take the negative and make something positive… squarely back on my own shoulders. This is where the condemnation and guilt become unbearable. I rage against my own humanity in moments like this. I grasp at grace and scurry for mercy, wondering if I will be stuck in my misery or delivered against the odds from something I deserve anyway.

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